Who we are

 I have a small letter board where quotes are displayed in our home. I change the quote periodically and mostly they are silly or funny. As I was scouring the internet today to find a new quote, I came across one that hit me deeply and I knew that we needed it as a reminder in our home. It speaks to something I have been thinking about a lot in the past few weeks and actually felt inspired to share my thoughts with my boys recently. The quote says, "The world needs who you were made to be." I asked Malcolm today what he thought it meant and he surprised me by saying, "it means to be me." why? "because the world needs me." Its so true! We were all born with a worth that is individual to us. Something we brought into this existence that no one else can replicate or master. Something that is so distinctly YOU that it can't be bought or sold and the world needs it. In the past I have tried to cover who I am to conform with who I think I need to be. I masked my reaction to adversity because I thought there was something wrong with me for feeling the way I did about challenges. When Jeff was first told he had a brain tumour, he was at the Lethbridge hospital for a CT which was ordered by the dr as a precautionary measure. I had completely forgotten he even had the CT that day but I got a phone call from Jeff telling me they wouldn't let him drive home and he needed someone to come and get him. When I got there, they directed us into a little room with a computer and pulled up the images of his brain scan on the screen. They explained that the tumour was significant in size and a neurosurgeon would be in contact with us ASAP. They predicted surgery within a week and a long road ahead, and do you want to know what my first reaction was? I so distinctly remember sitting in that room thinking "Bring it on! We got this!" I didn't worry about the hard, I didn't cry, I didn't wonder what life would be like, I felt excited for the challenge. I don’t usually tell people what my reaction was and I covered it for so long because I knew that wasn't what a normal reaction should have been. I should have been devastated. I should have been terrified. I should have cried. It may have been that I was young and naive, that I truly didn't know what the extent of this hardship would cost but I knew that my reaction set me apart from other people. I didn't understand at the time how much of a gift that initial reaction and mindset was but I am slowly discovering as I become the person I was sent here to be that I no longer have to hide it and conform to the way I "should" be. The world needs who I was sent here to be. 

Small steps

On my way to work yesterday I was formulating a blog post in my head about the small steps taken every day that add up to big accomplishments. I was feeling particularly happy as the day consisted of me working out at the track with my family, making a healthy and delicious soup from scratch for supper and baking 2 loafs of my best sourdough bread yet. Earlier in the day I also got the house clean with the help of my kids and managed to sneak in a nap before working a night shift. I was reflecting on the accomplishments of the day and realized it took a lot of little changes in my life in order for me to get to where I am now and not every day is as good as that day was but I have been having more good than bad days lately. It WAS a good day, until I snapped. A supervisor at work, whom I don't always agree with, made a stupid decision (in my opinion) and I lost it. Lost it the way I lose it on Jeff when I feel like things are spiralling out of control. Lost it like I was falling and had nothing else left to grab onto. Lost it like I so often wanted to lose it when everything was going wrong but I felt like I couldn't because I had to be the strong one. I don't know where it came from and it scared me to think thats whats inside of me. I have been struggling for a very long time and even though therapy helps, I still feel so raw and damaged inside. Another contribution to the situation could have been that I have had daily struggles with this supervisor and have kept my mouth shut about it all because I want to come across as a perfect employee. I held it all in until I snapped which is a whole other topic. The point is, I was so prepared to write about how little changes today can mean big things in the future and that even thought I still have my hard days, they are becoming easier to handle and further apart. I had no I idea I was about to be blindsided by my raw emotion thats been so desperate to get out. This has helped me to realize I can't cover up the hurt and damage I feel with eating healthy and working out. Thats not to say eating healthy and working out is a bad thing, its a lot better than the other ways I used to distract myself, but its just that, a distraction. I have so much joy for what my body can accomplish but I have come to realize I need to use it to explore those hard emotions instead of as a distraction from them. When I was going to school people would tell me how strong I am and that I doing an incredible thing by working full time and going to school full time while dealing with a sick husband and raising 2 kids. All I could think when people would praise me is, ya but I'm still fat. Ya I could do all these incredible things, but I ate like crap and I couldn't lose weight. I didn't realize it wasn't actually the weight that was causing me to not believe them but my deeper feelings of control, or lack thereof. It was my deeper feelings of not wanting to lose my husband and have to do this alone. It was my feelings that nothing I could do would make him better and for some reason that made me a failure. It is those deeper raw emotions that need to be addressed now along with eating healthy and moving my body. Its going to take a lot of small steps and I am going to trip along the way but I'm starting where I am.

Look back and never forget

I have always been quick to forget and have a way of thinking that what I am going through right now will always be. I remember after having my first son, he woke every 2 hours for the first 8 months of his life and I was exhausted. I would think that I was never going to be able to sleep again and I would never be able to take time for myself. Kids grow and eventually I learned what a short period of time that really was. I am grateful to have moved passed the baby stage but that lesson is what I hold to today. I often think, with Jeff, things will always be this way. I focus on the things we are missing out on because of the brain tumour and set aside the importance of the moments we have together. The progression of this cancer and the effects of treatment have been severe over the last 9 years which sometimes clouds my vision of what we still have. To be able to see past the fear of what is to come and focus on what is now has always been my biggest challenge. I like to plan and dream of the future and recently I didn’t know how a happy future could exist with the situation I was in. I often come to my mom with the worries and concerns that come with being the caregiver to someone with an acquired brain injury and it became clear (through her wise words of encouragement) that I needed to talk to a professional. When the hope of a happy future is clouded by the worries and concerns of today, it is so incredibly helpful to talk to someone who is able to clear away some of those concerns. It was interesting to see how a psychologist could tackle one by one every worry I would throw at her, nailing them to the wall to get a broader perspective. To change the way I look at everything I thought I knew and to help me take a step back and realize the exhaustion is only momentary. It is incredibly difficult and also freeing to learn about feeling your feelings, giving them the space they require and then categorize them properly. As I was talking to some dear friends of mine, they encouraged me to look back on what has already been written in this blog and remember what has already been felt. It was eye opening to take myself back to a time I thought would never end and realizing I had already forgotten. It gives me hope and encouragement knowing that one day I will be looking back on this day trying to remember where I have been. I have come to realize how incredibly important it is to remember the lessons from the past as I continue through this muddy journey and remember the exhaustion is only momentary.

unexpected emotions

Its been a couple of days since Jeff has been home from the Glenrose Rehabilitation hospital and my lack of celebratory posts on instagram and the blog might seem odd. Jeff spent 2 weeks at the Glenrose after a 40 day stay in the hospital. These 2 weeks were filled with many therapies with trained professionals who knew exactly what to work on with Jeff and how. His days were structured and he was progressing at a rapid rate. This is an exciting time and this progression should have been joyful. So why have I felt more anxious than ever? I have a few theories, all of which seem completely rational yet filled me with overwhelming guilt. Jeff being home means we lose the support and direction of the many professionals Jeff had working with him for the past 2 weeks. My responsibility would increase as I took over the role of therapist, and I honestly didn't want to lose the incredible support we had from so many friends and family members who wrote Jeff off as "better". Suleika Joauad put it nicely in her recent Ted talk when she said, "being cured is not where the work of healing ends, its where it begins." Although I don't view our situation from the lens of someone who has been "cured", I can bring the perspective of a caregiver to someone who admittedly doesn't remember the first 4 weeks of his recent hospitalization. Previous experiences taking jeff home after 3 brain surgeries, many rounds of chemotherapy and radiation, have taught me how true this statement could be. The first day having Jeff back was a difficult one for me full of complicated and unsure emotions. Guilt for not being ecstatic to have Jeff home and anxious for what the days ahead would look like. While everyone around me jumped for joy and celebrated the good news of Jeffs return, I wanted to hide or more accurately run away. I suspect I'm not the only one who feels guarded after such a trauma but I do know, so many of you out there put on the same mask I did. I hid my feeling down deep in a place where only I could see them so that others could have their happy ending. I nodded in agreement as acquaintances awed over the miracle that Jeff was and smiled while others told me what a relief it was to have Jeff home. It IS an incredible blessing to have Jeff home and I have been acutely aware of the many miracles that have happened along the way. Regardless, I would be doing a disservice to others in my same situation if I only wrote about the good. Over the last 2 months I have had the opportunity to talk to some truly insightful people who have blessed me with their perspective and the 2 greatest things I have taken away is 1) Its ok to not be ok and 2) Don't should on yourself and don't let others should on you. Ok ok, the second one wasn't from someone I talked to directly but from Nora Mcinerny in her podcast "Terrible, Thanks for asking." I realized that I was letting others should on me when I put on my mask and pretended to feel exactly how they thought I should feel. And, why, after all our family has been through, did I feel like I needed to be ok. My most meaningful moments these last 2 months are the times when I was able to be so incredibly vulnerable with friends who would open their arms and allow me to not be ok. Not allowing others to should on me is a work in progress but allowing myself to feel what I feel when I feel it has helped me to understand myself and work through those emotions more efficiently than I would have otherwise. Jeff has continued to progress over that past few days since he has been home and I look forward to continuing progression. Even though some days my be harder than others, I look forward to the day I can be as much of a support to my friends and family as they have been to me.

Recovery and new research

There have been so many updated in such a short period of time but I will try to touch base on all of them. The hospital journey jeff has been on, has been full of unanswered questions and trials as he has made his pushed through to recovery. Jeff was showing improvement everyday with little to no interventions from the drs and the general consensus was that these issues with temperature regulation, cognition, decreased heart rate, seizures, swallowing, balance, speech (did I miss any?) they are all due to delayed effects of the radiation. No one really knew what was going on but drs like to give answers even if those answers don’t totally make sense. I guess patients like to hear something other than some of the smartest people in the province have no clue what’s happening to you. We settled on not knowing and started focusing on the future. We requested Jeff to bee seen by the rehabilitation drs at the Glenrose and on Monday morning they gave us the good news that Jeff would make a good candidate to inpatient rehab lasting 3-4 weeks. I was so happy that Jeff was going to receive those supports and so happy I didn’t have to try and fight for rehabilitation from home. Monday was also Jeffs swallow test. When Jeff first came to the hospital I informed the drs of some previous scans he had had that showed signs of possible aspiration and because of Jeff’s weakness and because they still were unsure as to what was causing all of his symptoms, they didn’t allow him to eat. The days went on and things didn’t resolve so they gave him a feeding tube. It wasn’t until a few days later that they put a camera down his throat as a way of seeing if things in his throat were working properly and they also wanted to make sure there were no masses in this throat preventing food from going down. They found no masses but did notice that there was a delay in his food as he swallowed which put him at high risk for aspiration. They restricted all oral intake except ice chips. The last 4 weeks have been difficult for Jeff not being able to eat but on Monday they took him for fluoroscopy and were able to see a live x-ray of the food they gave him and how he swallowed. It was super interesting to watch and he did great on 90% of the exam. It wasn’t until they gave him a pill with water that they noticed the pill go down the right way but some of the water made its way down his trachea. This means that the speech pathologist allowed him to eat but with some restrictions. He can have easy to chew solids and thickened liquids. It was a joyous occasion to hear he could eat again and this morning he had waffles and an egg! This afternoon the feeding tube came out and now he’s on his own to get his nutrition in with meals. It’s a slow process as his stomach isn’t used to real food but its good to see him without that tube in his nose. Yesterday was also a big day in terms of diagnosis’s and the internal medicine team came to talk to us about the results of the PET scan they did last week. This scan showed signs of autoimmune encephalitis which is a disorder in which antibodies produced by our bodies to protect us turn and start attacking healthy cells (his brain). This disease is rare, hard to diagnose, and seriously cutting edge. It wasn’t even until about 10 years ago that is started showing up in the research. This is incredible and unnerving news. So happy to have a differential and so terrified for what this could mean for the future. The treatment they are going to try with Jeff is IVIG which is intravenous immune globulin. Google it. It’s super interesting. This IVIG was started today and will last for 5 days. When the 5 days are up, they will reassess his cognitive function and physical abilities and compare the results to the test they did today. We are very excited to see what this treatment could do and will patiently await the next 5 days.

Next steps

It’s been 2 and a half weeks since jeff came to Edmonton and was admitted to the hospital. Every day he gets stronger and every day the doctors do their rounds coming to tell us of the new test they thought to do because maybe this could be some obscure medical condition no one thought to test for before. Every day they come back to tell us the results were negative and they still have no answers for us. The seizure Jeff had at the beginning of his admission into the hospital was his lowest point here. He was unable to move his right side and would only wake when the doctors woke him for more assessments. He was given a tube from his nose to his stomach since he was at high risk for aspiration and he was closely monitored. Since the seizure, Jeff has regained streangth on this right side, he’s been able to walk with a walker 200 meters and they even tried a few steps without the walker today. He has been awake during the day reading National Geographic and playing games on his IPad. Jeffs mom and I have been taking turns being here at the hospital and being at home with the boys and every time I come back to see him, he is stronger and more alert. Jeff is still unable to eat since the last swallow test showed a delay in the process of swallowing with still keeps him at high risk for aspiration. He will have another swallow test early next week which will determine the next steps. If he passes, he will be gradually introduced to foods again and if he fails, he will be given a peg tube and get nutrients through that which is a tube in his abdomen going into his stomach. The last diagnostic test the doctors could think of is a PET scan. This will show any malignancies in his body that could support the neurologists differential diagnosis. At this point the neurologist is the only one to come up with a differential and he concluded this could be one of 2 things. This could be a delayed effect of the radiation Jeff received when he was having cancer treatments or this could be a paraneoplastic syndrome which is basically the body creating antibodies against a current malignancy and those antibodies are attacking not only the malignancy but also healthy central nervous system cells. Both of these conclusions would explain Jeff’s symptoms and both are equally as scary. We could be looking at a new baseline for Jeff. Looking too far into the future only brings anxiety and grief so our next step is to think about today.

Unknown

Jeffs journey over the past few month has been the epitome of a roller coaster ride. He's been tossed around and turned upside down. Since Jeff found out about the new lesion on his brain scan, he was put through a plethora of test trying to look for cancer markers or metastasis. An MRI of his spine, a CT of his chest abdomen and pelvis, a spinal tap and another MRI of his brain all showed no sign of metastasis, no cancer markers and the repeat brain MRI showed the lesion had actually shrink. It was a good day with celebration when we heard the good news but in the back of our heads we knew something else was going on. Jeff's speech was the first thing we noticed. His speech has been regressing in his ability to speak loud and get certain sounds out. Next we noticed his balance, he has been unsteady on his feet with some days being worse than others. Jeffs memory and comprehension seemed to be impacted as well. He has always had a more difficult time with memory since he was diagnosed with a brain tumour so changes are often difficult to spot. I mentioned concern to Jeffs oncologist in the middle of April and he stated he needed to collaborate with other specialists. About a week later, Jeffs symptoms progressed to diarrhea and vomiting. I suspected an infection since the oncologist did mention they may have seen aspiration on the chest CT but he didn't seem too concerned. I decided to take Jeff into the hospital to be sure we weren't missing something easily treatable. They did a chest x-ray and blood work but were unable to find anything conclusive. Jeff continued to be unsteady, increasing confusion, and speech became more of a problem. There were days when Jeff stayed in bed until 5pm and would only get up to get a drink, go to the bathroom and then back to bed. On Sunday April 28th I went to work leaving the boys with Jeff. He was able to get them up and ready for church but I heard report from friends that Jeff seemed very unsteady on his feet to the point of needing help to walk to the car. Friends of ours were so great to take Jeff home with them to keep and eye on him and the boys were able to spend the day with their cousins at Jeffs sisters house. Things sounded particularly bad and I asked Jeff to get a ride to Bonnyville where I was and I would take him to the emergency room. We were incredible blessed to have some of my favourite nurses working that day and Jeff had a room before he even arrived at the hospital. It was quickly determined Jeffs heart rate was alarmingly low and he was moved to a trauma room where they put him on a monitor and pushed the first dose of atropine to try and get his heart rate back up. The atropine worked for a few minuted but his heart rate quickly dropped again. The next steps were an urgent CT in cold lake and then a plane ride to Edmonton. The drs weren't sure what was causing these symptoms and the specialists wanted to see him right away. It was a long night with several specialists stopping by to see Jeff. He was seen by the emergency room dr, the internal medicine team, the cardiology team, and then the neurologist. Jeff was started on a broad spectrum antibiotic, magnesium, and was given hydrocortisone. Jeff was unable to maintain his own body temperature and was 29 degrees when he arrived at the hospital in Edmonton. They put him under a bear hugger to help maintain his body temp and started him on warm fluids. He stayed stable for the night and Monday afternoon, Jeffs mom and dad came. The drs were still unable to determine the cause of Jeffs symptoms. I took off that night to go to my last few days of school and Jeffs mom and dad stayed with him. Monday night, Jeff experienced a pause in his heart rate when they sat him up to  give him his medications. This was quickly reversed but Tuesday morning saw the progression of new challenges when Jeff had a seizure. He continues to recover from the seizure which could take a few days. Drs are continuing to run tests but have still been unable to determine anything conclusive.