Monday, November 2, 2015

After the good news

I wrote this about a year ago and didn't realize I never published it to the blog. It may have been that I felt it was too much of a downer or maybe I just really didn't want anyone to know I was struggling. After reading this a year later, I realize how far Jeff has come and how far our family has come. I still need to plea for strength everyday and the long term stress is starting to present itself physically. The battle continues but we have a village behind us. We have loving a caring friends who want to be there through the good and the bad. I can't even express how much love I have for all those I associate with. We have family that has been more than incredible our whole lives and we have a faith in Heavenly Father that provides us with a steady foundation. So without any further babble, the post that was written a year ago and never published......

 The battle after the good news has been at times harder than the radiation and treatment. The weeks and months during and after surgeries and radiation were filled with a whirlwind of appointments and schedules but for me, my emotions were dormant for the process. I have thought about it as being in survival mode. I have always been that way. In times of high stress, survival, or emengency situations, I shut down my emotional brain and get done what needs to be done. Im sure im not the only one. It works well for short term but last year I realized I couldnt live in survival mode long term. Some time earlier this year i realized that the stress was building up inside and one day put into words what I was feeling. If felt like I was driving in a snow storm. You know those horrable winter nights, the moon and stars are muffled by the raging blizzard and you can barley see the side of the road. When there are cars in front and behind you not daring to go over 50. Your knuckles white from gripping the stearing wheel. Thats how I felt. Every second of every day. The walls of my idea of a perfect life were crashing down on me and I was weak for not keeping it together. The last thing i wanted (and want) is for people to feel sorry for me. I want people to think I am strong and able, dominent and enduring. Turns out, I'm human. Turns out, im not immune to all the emotional and mental issues that accompany most high stress situations.