Look back and never forget

I have always been quick to forget and have a way of thinking that what I am going through right now will always be. I remember after having my first son, he woke every 2 hours for the first 8 months of his life and I was exhausted. I would think that I was never going to be able to sleep again and I would never be able to take time for myself. Kids grow and eventually I learned what a short period of time that really was. I am grateful to have moved passed the baby stage but that lesson is what I hold to today. I often think, with Jeff, things will always be this way. I focus on the things we are missing out on because of the brain tumour and set aside the importance of the moments we have together. The progression of this cancer and the effects of treatment have been severe over the last 9 years which sometimes clouds my vision of what we still have. To be able to see past the fear of what is to come and focus on what is now has always been my biggest challenge. I like to plan and dream of the future and recently I didn’t know how a happy future could exist with the situation I was in. I often come to my mom with the worries and concerns that come with being the caregiver to someone with an acquired brain injury and it became clear (through her wise words of encouragement) that I needed to talk to a professional. When the hope of a happy future is clouded by the worries and concerns of today, it is so incredibly helpful to talk to someone who is able to clear away some of those concerns. It was interesting to see how a psychologist could tackle one by one every worry I would throw at her, nailing them to the wall to get a broader perspective. To change the way I look at everything I thought I knew and to help me take a step back and realize the exhaustion is only momentary. It is incredibly difficult and also freeing to learn about feeling your feelings, giving them the space they require and then categorize them properly. As I was talking to some dear friends of mine, they encouraged me to look back on what has already been written in this blog and remember what has already been felt. It was eye opening to take myself back to a time I thought would never end and realizing I had already forgotten. It gives me hope and encouragement knowing that one day I will be looking back on this day trying to remember where I have been. I have come to realize how incredibly important it is to remember the lessons from the past as I continue through this muddy journey and remember the exhaustion is only momentary.